Vulnerability in relationships

I came across a Reddit post recently in the r/AskMenAdvice sub regarding vulnerability in relationships.

The OP posed the question: help me understand the fear that someone will use your vulnerability against you. How does someone hurt you if you share personal feelings or vulnerable info?

Several male redditors chimed in detailing accounts with their female partners in which they were chastised, looked down on, and even abused after attempting to be vulnerable. Many expressed frustration that they could not be their true self for fear of losing respect from their partners.

Why is vulnerability in a relationship important?
Vulnerability is a characteristic of intimacy which refers to the willingness to expose one’s true thoughts, feelings, and emotions to another person, despite the risk of rejection or hurt. It involves being open, honest, and authentic in sharing one’s innermost self, including fears, insecurities, and desires.

Kari Rusnak, MA, LPC,CMHC writes in Psychology Today that being vulnerable creates emotional intimacy and connection. It allows us to open ourselves up to our partner, it shows and builds trust, and it helps them understand us on a deeper level.

An abundance of research supports this theory. Studies have shown that intimacy is a meaningful aspect of satisfying relationships (e.g., Field, 2010; Park et al., 2020). Being able to articulate our emotions and open up with our partner allows us to get closer to them and strengthen our bond.

According to the Interpersonal Process Model of Intimacy (IPM; Reis & Shaver, 1988), intimacy increases when an individual discloses their personal thoughts or emotions (i.e., self-disclosure) to their partner, the partner responds supportively, and the partner’s response is perceived by the discloser as validating and caring. In a romantic relationship, people who self-disclose to a partner and perceive their partner’s response as supportive, tend to experience increased intimacy with their partner (e.g., Bois et al., 2016; Laurenceau, Feldman Barrett, & Pietromonaco, 1998; Laurenceau, Feldman Barrett, & Rovine, 2005; Manne et al., 2004). 

Researchers Cordova & Scott found in 2001 that intimacy develops during interpersonal interactions when an individual’s expressions of vulnerability—behavior that is at risk of punishment—are reinforced rather than punished by their partner. Researchers Chandra Khalifian and Robin Barry studying intimacy theory in 2019 found that “sharing personal information is a way of communicating trust and a desire to share one’s self with another.”

Does being vulnerable in a relationship come natural to us? Or does it take effort?
Lisa Firestone, Ph.D writes in PsychAlive that while most of us think we want intimate connection, we resist vulnerability, the very trait that makes that connection possible. Firestone suggests this resistance is due to cultural models that praise having a thick skin or staying strong and self-contained. That we mistakenly label vulnerability as a weakness. However, Firestone writes that what vulnerability is really about is the willingness to be true ourselves — “to expose a softer side of ourselves that is not hidden behind our defenses.”

Reading the stories on the Reddit post I recalled an experience with a past partner who told me that they weren’t vulnerable because they were afraid their vulnerability would get used against them. Despite my sharing on a regular basis, and despite providing them the space and encouragement to do so. Interestingly, this person happened to be the very partner that used my vulnerability against me in the end.

A note on projection
A female redditor added that she felt the opposite. That she had found a male partner who shares with her and that she finds this sharing admirable and even attractive. Now I don’t know this person, but she is probably someone who isn’t afraid to share herself. I believe that most judgement is derived from some form of projection. Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D writing for Psychology Today defines projection as “blaming others for reminding us (however accidentally) of our never-healed emotional pain and projecting that pain back onto them.” In other words, we effectively remove from ourselves the burden of feeling negative emotions, and from any blame or embarrassment that we may associate with them.

Using ChatGPT, I entered the prompt: describe an example of negative projection in a relationship in 2-3 sentences. The perpetrator being someone afraid of being vulnerable, or looking within themself. Here was the output:

In a relationship, an individual afraid of being vulnerable may project their insecurities onto their partner by constantly criticizing them for perceived flaws or shortcomings. For example, if the individual feels inadequate in their career, they might excessively criticize their partner’s ambition or work ethic, reflecting their own fears of failure and inadequacy rather than genuine issues with their partner. This projection serves as a defense mechanism to avoid confronting their own insecurities and vulnerabilities.

How increasing self-awareness and practicing vulnerability helps us mitigate negative projection
It is very difficult to separate our thoughts about others from the thoughts molded from our own experiences, mental models, and biases. And a person who criticizes or looks down on their partner for sharing likely doesn’t yet have the awareness or the courage to face their own demons. And that frustration can be directed toward those closest to them.

“When you begin analyzing your own vulnerabilities, you can start to uncover what’s happening to your so-reactive child self, never adequately integrated into your adult being.” Seltzer writes.

If you’re prone to projecting your emotions onto others or feel hesitant to open up to a loved one, there are some exercises you can practice to build awareness and begin to accept and feel comfortable in your own skin.

• Meditation. Practicing meditation and breathing exercises allow us to train our mind to slow down in times of uncertainty or stress. And taking a moment to pause and question why we might be jumping to conclusions about a person’s experience or feelings allows us the chance to look inward before projecting our negative emotions onto others.
• Education. Educating ourselves on the common barriers to vulnerability and the triggers that can lead to emotional projection. Noting and becoming aware of our reactive behavioral patterns or journaling about our deepest insecurities can help us build more conscious and healthy relationships.
• Curiosity. Adopting an approach of curiosity in our relationships can help us avoid falling into judgmental patterns and projection. If we can train our brains to first question our personal experience before judging another, we can start to understand why we react to certain stimuli or experiences, and become more conscious of our selves in the process. Once we start to explore the roots of our frustrations, only then can we truly be vulnerable in our relationships.
• Sleep. Healthy sleep habits impact our lives in a lot of ways. If we regularly feel exhausted or low on energy, we are more susceptible to patterns of judgement and projection. It’s much more difficult to practice healthy self-awareness when we’re fatigued.
• Perspective taking. A healthy relationship trait on its own, perspective taking allows us to humanize others, to convert them from a symbol of our own insecurities into a human being who, like us, is doing the best they can.

And I encourage anyone feeling discouraged by exposure to unaccepting partners to keep looking and to keep being vulnerable. There are plenty of people out there looking for an emotionally mature partner. And a partner who isn’t comfortable enough with themself to share is a big red flag that they’re not ready for a relationship.