A 2023 TED talk from clinical psychologist Becky Kennedy hit my YouTube algorithm this morning. I found the concept of “repair” interesting in the context of parenting, as her talk is rooted, but also in the context of adult-adult relationships. I’ve always struggled to name this idea of repair as Kennedy describes it, typically naming the concept as a “real” apology, an apology that not only acknowledges the rupture in the relationship, but shows that the one responsible for the rupture has considered a perspective other than their own, and has felt and expressed remorse for how that behavior affected the other.
This sounds simple in theory, but how often have you encountered the concept of repair in your own life? How often have you received an apology but felt that the notion was more of an attempt for the perpetrator to put the error in the past rather than remedy the rupture? Getting through the thick wall of pride can be difficult for some. And the practice of mentalizing and perspective taking isn’t something that comes naturally for everyone. It can take a deeper level of awareness and practice.
Through Kennedy’s courageous and engaging storytelling of her experience with her own child, she portrays the internalizing process that kids (and adults) can experience when exposed to trauma or a rupture in a close relationship. That if parents fail to take accountability and show remorse for their actions, their child may learn to internalize these damaging reactions as a result of their own doing, to self-blame, and thus become vulnerable to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, and possibly even attachment disorders in the process.
Kennedy explains that through repair, we can effectively change the story from a rupture that sustains in our consciousness to an event that happened in the past. She describes two steps to completing this journey:
Step 1: Repair with Yourself
Kennedy explains that until you can repair the relationship, you have to separate your identity from your behavior. An important foundation, because your child (or partner, friend, family member) will likely learn the most from your actions, not your words. If you can’t separate your action from your identity, how do you expect them to do the same?
Step 2: Repair with your Child
Kennedy explains that this can vary from relationship to relationship, but she has a simple 3-step method that works for her: 1) name what happened, 2) take responsibility, and 3) state what you would do differently the next time. Most notable to me in her story is her real-world example of exercising step 2, the acknowledgement that her yelling at her child must have felt scary to him. This empathetic notion effectively signals to the child that, although there may have been wrongdoing on the part of the child, the parent’s overly aggressive reaction was inappropriate and not their fault. As Kennedy puts it, she’s “replaced [her] child’s story of self-blame with a story of self-trust and safety and connection.”
And again, going back to step one, the parent is teaching the child how to take responsibility for their own behavior, because through this practice, the parent has effectively modeled to them how to take responsibility for theirs.
Knowing that everyone makes mistakes and learning the practice of repair is an essential skill for anyone, child or adult. Also an important point is that we can’t always control how we feel, but we can learn to control how we react. This can take practice, of course, but it’s a valuable skill for healthier relationships.
Watch The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy | Becky Kennedy | TED on YouTube here.